Cats, a stinky pest at best and a parasite carrier at worst, have been the bane of my existence since my very birth. I have been assaulted nasally, physically, and mentally by these fetid creatures and their furball huffing fiends of owners. I absolutely detest these creatures as not only do they stink and put on a facade of “adorableness,” I think these animals are TRULY incompatible with humans as companion animals, should be euthanized en masse for public health and environmental protection, and we should all come to the reality: THEY’RE NASTY!
In what ways? Let’s count them all, shall we?
1. They Stink!
Your tongue is not a substitute for soap and water. GET OFF OF THE COUCH!
Let’s face it, ALL ANIMALS STINK! Cows stink, dogs stink, birds stink, humans stink, every living thing has a funk to them. Cats have a uniquely awful odor from their nasty dander to the smell of their ammonia concentrated urine. Don’t even get me started on cat poop smell! The nastiest, wasted up Port-o-potty on the side of the road in the middle of July heat doesn’t stink as bad as cat piss/poop.
I know what you litter box sniffers are thinking, “Humans stink too! I think it’s the humans that are the problem!” Guess what?
I DON’T GIVE A FIDDLER’S FINAL FLYING FUCK!
You stink like ammonia, and you need to swallow that pill like I have to smell your nasty ass every time you come into the store. Nobody should be subjected to that. I don’t care if you’re homeless either. You may not have a choice in stinking or not, but you definitely have a choice in what you stink of. I have no empathy, sympathy, compassion, humanity nor do I have the desire to give you nasty feline lovers any of that in the future, near or otherwise. You don’t deserve my sympathy when you refuse to face reality. I’m not here to feed into your delusions of pseudo-cleanliness.
I love how when you Google search cat urine odor, this is one of the image results: a clanker made image of a (reasonably) upset person and this fat fuck pissing on everything. I hate that the guy even grabs cleaner with a box on the table which tells me it’s clanker made, but it wouldn’t be too out of the ordinary (or that gross) to disgusting cat lovers. You know what he should have done with that fat freeloading ball of fur?
AND DON’T COME BACK!
Cats have a uniquely awful smell due to biology. They originated from desert areas, biomes where water is scarce, so cats absorb the majority of that water and leave behind a concentrated chemical weapon straight out of WW1, and to cat lovers, this is their Gucci or Calvin Klein perfume. Dior? Chanel? Nah man, you gotta get the authentic Mittens Piss for men AND women!
Why live with that smell? You may have the right to stink, but I have the right to not smell that shit. Go away, go take a bath, or let the toxoplasmosis finally eat away what little brain cells you have left. You come near me stinking like that, I am throwing hands. It’s the smell of pure, concentrated rage to me. It should count as self defense to beat a cat lover’s ass because guess what?
ALLERGIES ARE REAL!
Your cat piss smell triggers asthma attacks in people, and if you have that clear of a disregard for the life around you, not only are you a shitty person, why should I have any concern for YOU at that point? If little Jimmy gets sent to the hospital because of your cat piss smell, and you just think, “Tough it out. I can have my animals.”
Unironically, you are a shitty human being. You are a horrible person, and that’s why you will die alone with your cats. Now do me a favor, and speed up the process already. We hate that smell just as much as we hate you.
2. THEY ARE ASSHOLES!
There’s this common “myth” that you can train a cat. That’s like teaching a blind man how to see, the deaf man how to hear, or explaining the color green to a colorblind person. There’s even a whole subreddit called r/catsareassholes. Go ahead. Spend two minutes scrolling through that, and tell me there’s a God. If God made cats in His own image, then His image is a grotesque abomination unworthy of ANY praise!
0 days since this little shit smacked someone. If this were LITERALLY any other animal, the animal would have been euthanized. Dogs get euthanized for way less than what cats get away with on a daily basis. A dog bites you? Euthanize it. Hell, depending on the breed, it can severely mutilate you. Cats can also mutilate and do so in a much more vicious manner than dogs. The reason you dirty cat lovers tolerate it is solely because of their size. If that cat were the size of a Tiger, it would eat you and feel absolutely zero remorse.
Dogs can be destructive little shits too, but dogs have also been bred for specific purposes. Greyhounds and dachshunds were bred to help humans hunt game, Lapphunds, German Shepherds and Border Collies are herd dogs, they assist humans in animal husbandry. These breeds exist for a myriad of purposes, most of which are to benefit humans in some way. What are cats there for? Reducing stress? Lowering heart rate? Companionship?
YOU GET THE SAME THING FROM GOOD SEX, YOU IDIOTS! GUESS WHAT YOU’RE NOT GETTING WITH THOSE FELINE FUCKS?
Here, let me show you the various images that prove the OPPOSITE:
Nothing that loves you would hurt you like this. This is just abuse.
Destroying the blinds like this little shit pays the bills. Blinds aren’t cheap either. I’d throw that cat out the window like it’s a pigskin, and I’m Tom Brady. GO LONG, MITTENS! I HOPE YOU SURVIVE THE DROP TO YOUR NEW HOME!
Pissing? ON THE FLOOR? WHEN YOU’RE IN THE BOX? YOU DUMB FUCK! I’LL NEVER GET THAT SMELL OUT!
I can not think of one practical use that a cat would serve aside from property damage and being a good bioweapon. Now wonder landlords don’t allow pets. LOOK AT THIS SHIT!
Check for arm? No, Garfield’s gonna learn the hard way. Don’t be so stupid, and this wouldn’t happen to you. If you didn’t learn the first 300 times, then you don’t deserve that scrawny little bird mercker anyway! Whatever happened to natural selection?
3. THEY ARE USELESS AND DESTROY THE ENVIRONMENT
Delving into the point I made earlier, cats are literally useless. They are only good for keeping pests like rats, mice, and birds away. Cool, I guess, except that cats themselves ARE PESTS! Here’s an essential read from the American Bird Conservancy to back me up on this one too!
https://abcbirds.org/threats/cats-invasive-species
Your little shit fiends kill BILLIONS, I repeat, BILLIONS of birds every year in the U.S. alone. You think those little fuckers deserve special treatment and life? You and your feline friends are a threat to ecosystems all over.
THE ONLY SOLUTION TO THE PROBLEM IS EUTHANIZATION.
They also carry toxoplasmosis, hookworms, bartonellosis, Tularemia, and the god damn plague! THE PLAGUE! I don’t believe that Europe was wiped out because of fleas on rats. That shit was all the cat’s fault, and that is Big Cat propaganda, whitewashing and revising history to make the cats look better than they really are. That’s all bullshit brought to us by Purina.
Owning a cat is quite literally a health risk. Just get laid and move on like every other sane person does.
4. THEY DOMINATED THE INTERNET FOR FAR TOO LONG!
Once upon a time, people said the internet was made for cats. Remember lolcats? THESE ASININE ABOMINATIONS BEYOND MY COMPREHENSION?
No, you can’t has cheeseburger. You wiped off 63 species of animals off of the planet, and you want to ask me for a cheeseburger? Go hunt one yourself, you freeloading son of a bitch!
Mittens, you’re the one wearing my Crocs! You look stupid crawling your shit riddled paws in my shoes! Get out of my god damn shoes!
No, you’re crying because lolcats was made by a group of people with the reading comprehension of a tuna sandwich. This is what I call, “Cat Lover Speak.” Cat Lovers have their own disgusting and equally juvenile dialect of English. Toe beans, kyutez, catto, kitteh, floof, smol, chonker, UGH. IT’S ENOUGH TO MAKE ME VOMIT!
Cat Lover Speak is the dialect of direct disgust, a particularly grotesque form of human speech that brings out immaturity, linguistic butchering, and narcissism all to the maximum, the absolute highest degree of offense speech is capable of. I’d much rather you call me a slur than talk to me like these freaks do.
Your cat is not a hecking chonker or a floof. Your cat is just like you: morbidly obese and miserable.
5. THEY ARE HATEFUL BASTARDS!
Instead of going on a text rant for this point, how about I let the videos speak for themselves?
All of that for a routine check up and vaccines. They’re here to make sure you don’t die, you idiot. Cats aren’t known to be smart though, just like their owners.
Attacking the owner, who is gracious enough to give this little shit food, shelter and love, for MOVING A REFRIGERATOR? Again, dogs get euthanized for way less, and we’re just expected to take this shit behavior from these feline parasites. Little angel my ass.
Once again showing how “smart” cats are: Cat wants the guy out, and the cat blocks the only way for the guy to get out. They are just merciless murder machines. I endured the same thing, and it was enough to cut all contact with people.
Cat owners think this shit is cute while letting their feline freaks get away with murder. It’s not cute, funny, and I am not going to take abuse from an animal because you think it’s “cute.” Fuck you and your cat. We’ll see how long that cat stays king when I run it over with my car.
Cats Are Awful 