Hello you poop scooping sons’a bitches! Yeah, you heard me! Your cat stinks! In fact, ALL CATS STINK! What better way to start than by saying CATS SMELL BAD? I know you keyboard warriors are ready to type a whole TedTalk and do the most gruesome acts of intellectual dishonesty is the history of debates on benign topics. Guess what?

I AIN’T READING ALL THAT SHIT!

It doesn’t change the fact that they stink to high hell and back, but what exactly makes them stink so bad? Simple: Their diet sucks, and the biomes they spawned from suck golf balls through a Silly Straw too! Cats came from the desert and savannah biomes, places in the world that are known for their harsh environments and a severe lack of water. To conserve that water on top of being carnivores (despite chewing up every house plant those dumbasses come in contact with), their bodies absorb most of it, leaving this concentrated mix of amino acids, uric acid, ammonia and a dash of Felinine to give it some Sulfur smell on top of it.

Oh boy! I would LOVE to own a wild animal capable of making chemical weapons that violate international law! I don’t value my lungs or the precious air I breathe at all just like those dirty cat lovers!

British troops surviving a concentrated cat piss attack from the Germans (1915.)

I don’t want to hear your bullshit diatribes on how “clean” YOU or your cat are, how you clean their shit box multiple times a day, or god forbid, you bathe the furry fuck and somehow survive their murder attempt. Cats, like all animals, have a stank, a funk, an odor to them, and that smell is concentrated sulfur and ammonia. It’s a mix of chemicals that has landed me in the hospital several times and in and out of clinics between asthma attacks and bronchitis.

My neighborhood cat lady has put me in the hospital more times than Mike Tyson in his prime could ever wish to do to anyone. YOUR IRRESPONSIBILITY AND GROTESQUE LIFESTYLE HAS PUT ME IN MEDICAL DEBT, DAMN NEAR KILLED ME, AND YET I CAN NOT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT? I CAN’T LEGALLY DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT? BULLSHIT!

When the stank of your furderers crosses into MY PROPERTY and I have to seek medical care because of it, I wholeheartedly believe that it becomes my business. You don’t want the smell of dogs or the dogs themselves on your property? Great. I have respected that and held up my end of the deal my whole life, but you Litter Box Sniffers have this collective delusion that it somehow ISN’T bad or at least NOT THAT BAD. It is, and I’m tired of being polite with you Butthole Viewers. Read the room for once, or go back to floating down the Cat Piss River using that litter box as a canoe. YOU STINK!

Did I mention that smell can last forever and be stubborn as hell to get out too?

I know you cat lovers aren’t as clean as you make yourselves out to be. Your group consists of Foodie Beauty, ShannyForChrist, every big back bitch who think men are always the problem when they’re incapable of introspection like the majority of humans, and all of these half British word for cigarettes who think the biggest problem in the world is there aren’t enough no kill shelters and electric cars in the world. I see you. Quit lying to the rest of the class and yourself. You’re grimy, you stink of ammonia, you need a bath, and I’ll help you get one.

There’s no excuse now! Get in the tub!

Between dumping stray cats and the ecological consequences of that (more on that in another post), the parasites cats carry, the toxoplasmosis and chemical weapon piss, cat lovers/dumpers should legally qualify as ecoterrorists. I, as well as countless other people, asthmatic or otherwise, should get SOME form of compensation for the countless clinic and hospital trips in the summer, the cost of inhalers and nebulizers, but instead, I get these self centered, whiny piss heads with zero regard for any life outside of them and the furry reflections of their awful selves.

These cat nip snorting freaks insist that not only it isn’t that bad, I’m overreacting. Allergies aren’t real, pussy! Medical professionals? Doctors? Scientists? That’s all fake news, anti cat propaganda anyway. You’re gonna look me in the eye, and tell me that this cute wittle baby is dangerous for your health? Next you’ll tell me that I shouldn’t use asbestos or use cookware made of lead!

Who could resist the face of a little angel? 😦

Cat waste is a smell worse than cheap, stale cigarettes, period blood, feet, and human poop put together. I’ve smelled port-a-potties that smelled better than cats and cat lovers. The next time some dirty cat lover and her cuck male equivalent comes up to me with that vomit inducing cat smell, I’m going to start billing them for the cost of the medication I need after coming into contact with these fur riddled low lives.

That, my dear reader, is one of the many reasons why cats are awful!